Another Dumb Cold Call Email

I've written before about how if you are going to use cold emails to contact new prospects you need to do a little research before sending them.
Dissecting A Bad Cold Email
Below is an email I received that makes the email I criticized look fantastic.
To be fair, as far as I can tell this was sent to me legitimately and not part of a spam blast.
My comments in this email are in bold type.

Dear Sir/Ma’am,
(You got my contact info from LI? My picture clearly shows I'm a man and has my name)

I got your contact information from LinkedIn, I apologize for introducing myself via email and voicemail today (I never got a call from this person) but I wanted to touch base with you about IT staffing services (I'm in IT staffing. Are you looking to hire my workers or provide me with yours? I'm not sure.). I just want to see how I can help (Again how do you want to help me?) and see if you could take a few minutes to discuss this with me.

I understand you probably get a lot of calls from sales people and I just want to tell you that I’m not a sales guy. (If you're not a sales guy why are you calling me? What are we going to discuss? What is wrong with saying you're a sales guy?) I challenge myself to provide great, quality resources to my clients,(What is it?) which I’m passionate about. I don’t make a habit of “tooting my own horn” but please take a look at the attached client reviews and see what some of the clients I serve exclusively have to say. (There was nothing attached) If you have any opportunities at this time that we could assist with, we would be more than happy to help out. (Who is "We?" What positions do you help with? What problems can you solve for me? Why do you think I have problems?)

We offer contract, contract to hire and direct placement services. (Finally you tell me what you do! I Assume it is IT staffing since you've said it once before but why not repeat it here and drill it into my brain?)We also offer low, competitive hourly rates along with flexible placement fees and payment plans. Please provide me with a few minutes of your time to discuss. (If you're not a sales guy why should I talk to you?) I would greatly appreciate your assistance. (My Assistance? I thought you just said you were going to help me? I don't assist you. I HIRE you!)

This part is in yellow. Must be important. Good thing I can receive HTML emails. Some companies are not allowed to receive them and they won't see your font or background colors)

If you wish to discuss, please let me know I will be at your service and what all I am asking you is a chance to work and serve you, if you don’t like my services, you can always kick me out. (Are you coming to my office?) You can reach me at Phone: 713-XXX-XXXX Cell (Are you saying this is your cell number or is this the landline phone number for me to call. After the number is the word "cell" so I'm not sure if you forgot to add a phone number or just delete the word "cell."
Why should I call since you are not local to my area according to your area code) or simple email (what is simple email?) and let me know, I will call you.

Thank you and take care,

Victor E

Director of Talent Acquisition

Contract / CTH/Direct Hires

Committed to Serve

Comapny's Name, Inc. 

Relationships First

Business Next

Phone: 713-XXX-XXXX Cell| Fax: 713-XXX-XXXX

victor@----.com  

http://www.companyname.com

(takes too long to get to the company name.Why is the company name small and "Relationships First" in large print?)

Our mission statement is simple “to be your first choice, every time”.
(First choice for what? Brand your company! Periods go inside the quotation marks)

Note: If you have received this mail in error or prefer not to receive such emails in the future, please reply with "REMOVE" in the subject line and the email id(s) to be removed. All removal requests will be honored ASAP. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience caused.

Disclaimer: We respect your online privacy. This is not an unsolicited mail. Under Bills.1618 Title III passed by the 105th US Congress this mail cannot be considered Spam as long as we include contact information and a method to be removed from our mailing list. If you are not interested in receiving our e-mails then please reply with: “REMOVE" in the subject line and your ID will be removed from our mailing list. We are sorry for the inconvenience caused to you.

Nice Remove statement.
Sorry Victor.
I won't be doing business with you.
If you improve your pitch and send it to me again, I might listen. I hope you got some good prospects from your efforts, and thanks for the blog fodder!
Ev
A Heck of A Nice Guy