December Jokes

Here are the jokes for December.
We close out 2010. Onwards to 2011!
Thank you for reading and enjoying the jokes and the blog this year!

Ev
"A Heck of A Nice Guy"


> A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
> The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
> The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
> So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
> He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
> The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
> The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
> He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me
brother?"
> The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
> By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but
this time
holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his
arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For
the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
>
(get ready for this.....)

> The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches
his breath, and says to the preacher,
> "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE THAT COMING DID YOU? --

End of 2010 Quiz

I know you are probably sitting around bored because it is the week between Christmas and New Years. No one is in the office and you've already cleaned your desk 10 times. Now you are just counting down the hours until you can go home and have a little vacation time.
Here is something to help.
Enjoy and Happy New Year!
Ev

> This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.. These are not trick
questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.


1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2.. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their
own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be
replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a
real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the
bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get
inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the
letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can
you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold
frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet
beginning with the letter 'S.'


NOW THE ANSWERS


Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends:
Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward.
Niagara Falls - The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each
year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it
every minute.

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own
for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew
inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they
are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in
place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are
snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Period,
comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark,
exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and
ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning
with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates,
snowshoes, stockings, stilts.


PLEASE DO YOUR PART....

If you know others that are looking for something to do today feel free to send them this link. Just don't send it back to me. I've
already flunked it once.

Poll: How Many Employees will Your Company Hire in 2011?

How many employees does your company plan to hire in 2011?
Vote in my latest poll.
http://linkd.in/gVCWeE
I will share the answers in a future blog post.
Thank you!
Ev
http://linkd.in/gVCWeE

Visiting your elderly loved ones this holiday season?

As our population ages and the baby boomers retire, one thing to keep in mind as a benefit to look for in a company is if they offer eldercare programs. These programs not only take care of the elderly person, but also the caregiver. When caring for a family member, the caregivers often suffer lost work time due to doctors appointments, sickness caused by stress, mental stress caused by the additional financial and healthcare demands. On behalf of my collegue Veronica here is a reminder for the holidays.
Ev

"One might think at this point in our struggling economy, demand for benefit related programs such as eldercare would decrease. However, it was reported that in the last economic slump of 2002 there existed a greater need for eldercare assistance because with smaller numbers of employees in the workforce, people have to work harder, which leads to a greater need with family related assistance."
The Bureau of National Affairs, Inc. Pension & Benefits Reporter 2002

The holidays are the perfect time to increase your awareness of the overall health of your older adult loved one. A few quick tips:

Be diligent in noticing changes in mood, memory and the general appearance of the older adult loved ones’ home. By mood, I am referring to the possibility of depression and/or anxiety. Try to increase your patience and ability to listen for clues to these issues.

Two quick communications from which to refrain if your loved one is experiencing memory loss: Do not ask them “Don’t you remember?” and when asking them a question, keep the options from which they choose limited. Bringing attention to their memory loss and/or confusing them with too many options increases their anxiety and fear, especially in regard to a possible forthcoming conversation related to moving from their present living environment.

One of the first areas memory loss becomes apparent is with numbers and calculations. If you can, help the elder “check the checkbook” for possible inaccuracies; make sure bills are being paid.

Is the home in disarray? It may be increasingly more difficult to keep up with household chores. Check the food in the refrigerator: are any past their expiration date? What about medications? Are they taking them as prescribed? Are you concerned about alcohol consumption?

Throw and scatter rugs cause many falls; one solution is to purchase the material used to help keep it in place from your local hardware store. It comes by various names; ask for the material used to keep area and scatter rugs secure; it can be cut to form. While this aids in avoiding a fall, the older adult must be alerted to their use and feel, so you may want to add one to start while you are visiting to determine the effectiveness and acceptance by your elder. (You can also suggest the actual removal of scatter rugs, but I forewarn you that this may not be welcomed.)

Before December 31st is the crucial time to help your elder review their Medicare enrollment. For more information visit: http://www.corporateeldercaresolutions.com/archive.html or www.medicare.gov.

Finally, remember that larger groups of people can be confusing to an older adult. They can become exhausted both physically and emotionally. Providing them with some quiet time will help them be more comfortable during these busy times.

I wish you a safe and happy holiday season.

Veronica Woldt, MA
Corporate Eldercare Solutions, llc
www.corporateeldercaresolutions.com
veronica@corporateeldercaresolutions.com
Veronica Woldt, M.A., is the owner and principal of Corporate Eldercare Solutions, llc, providing both employee and employer solutions to eldercare concerns that result in the positive enhancement of company productivity and associated employee work/life issues.

Social Media Usage in 2010

Many companies still have rules against the use of social media in the office place.
If you are still not convinced that social media, apps, and smart phones are where your audience is, I dare you to watch the following:
Happy 2011!

Ev

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December 2010 Newsletter

Greetings!

2010 is almost over. It has gone by so fast!
If you are seeing this newsletter for the first time, or don’t remember the last time you saw one, this is my monthly newsletter regarding an HR topic.
I sent them via email for almost 10 years before switching to a blog last year.
I’ve had so many people request that I bring back the email version, so I have. The newsletter comes out about the 15th of the month. Above my signature there is usually a short article and a couple of cute jokes (always clean enough to tell your mother!). If you like what you read, there are more articles on my blog:http://everetsblog.blogspot.com


This month's newsletter delt with giving gifts to your employees to retain them into the new year. Since this was a previously published article I'm just posting the link here:http://everetsblog.blogspot.com/2009/11/gifts-for-employees.html
To read the jokes look at the blog entries on the 30th of each month.
Thank you for reading!
Ev"A Heck of A Nice Guy"

How Do You Want to be Thanked?

After a job interview I always send a hand written thank you card.
That is what I was taught. I know that people my age and above generally like getting a hand written note because it shows sincerity, personal effort to do a little extra rather than send an email, and not a lot of people send cards anymore.

In this day and age of instant media, is sending a hand written thank you card the only proper way to thank someone for a job interview?
What about texting?
Sending an email?
Is it okay to call by phone?
Is how you thank someone totally dependent on their generation?

What do you think?
Vote in my latest poll and I'll share the answers at a later time with you and the future job seekers I teach in my classes.
http://polls.linkedin.com/p/110792/rihbo

Thank you!
Ev

What Is Next After Job Boards?

Cheezehead.com was a recruitment industry "insiders column."
That site has since been taken over and the content changed. While going through my archives I found this post from that site. The question of what is the next big job hunting technology was interesting. It was a sponsored post. I edited out the sales pitch at the end. Here is the article:
Is Online Recruiting Begging for Disruptive Technology?
Posted: 19 May 2008 12:20 PM CDT

Online employment advertising platforms, also known as job boards, have more than come of age. Indeed, online recruitment strategies are diversifying as hiring managers look for an edge in the marketplace.
This evolution has birthed new models such as industry-specific job boards, targeted demographic job boards, and even social media schemes. But are today’s online venues effectively meeting the needs of employers and job seekers?
Research suggests the answer is “no.”

In fact, an April 2008 survey from The Adler Group reveals locating qualified candidates for key positions is a challenge that’s growing worse instead of better.
Despite the cadre of recruiting tools and technologies that have been introduced to help employers, Adler revealed, a whopping 89 percent of survey respondents said hiring top talent is getting increasingly difficult. Moreover, 63 percent of survey respondents felt the quantity and quality of candidates from major job boards is dropping.
Reexamining today’s recruiting models, Could it be time for a new paradigm for matching job seekers with employers? Put another way, is the online recruitment industry ripe for disruption?
Here’s what we do know: There are a handful of popular online job board business models – and there are drastic differences between them. We also know that new models are emerging that offer different recruiting technologies and techniques. The latter could be the key to greater hiring effectiveness in a more mature online recruiting world.

“Job boards are an integral piece of the recruitment puzzle as job seekers are more computer savvy than ever – but not all job boards are the same,” says Roberta Chinksy Matuson, president of Brookline, Mass.-based Human Resource Solutions. “HR Executives would be better served if they focused on results and not the cost of each click.”

It’s admittedly difficult to compare cost-per-click (CPC) among the most popular online job board models – free boards, flat fee listing boards, and boards that charge only if you open a resume – because CPC is only part of the pricing equation. To be sure, there are benefits and drawbacks to each model. With literally millions of resumes posted online it pays dividends to understand the pros and cons of the various models better before you begin your next search.
Do you really get what you pay for?Free job boards, where employers and job seekers freely exchange information with the keyboard as the only middleman, have gained momentum because the price is right. Doostang.com, TheJobSpider.com and LuckyDogJobs.com are among the better-known freebies online today.

But Tom Ruff, CEO of Manhattan Beach, Calif.-based recruiting firm Tom Ruff Company, says he hasn’t had much luck on the free boards. Spam postings often find their way on to free online job boards, but that’s not the only drawback he’s discovered.
“Sometimes free online recruiting sites appear to be free, but if you want the bells and whistles there are fees hidden into the back end,” says Ruff, who is also author of “How to Break Into Pharmaceutical Sales.” “We have tried some of the traditional free models, but we haven’t found any success. We stopped using them and moved to paid models.”

If time is money then do flat fee sites work?Flat fee sites are another option. Craigslist, and online classified sites like it, once disrupted the recruiting model. Study after study emerged about print newspaper classified ads drying up as people went online to let their fingers do the searching. Craigslist, for one, charges $75 to post per listing. Others charge much more.
One of advantages of flat fee sites is the paid aspect keeps the spammers off the boards, but that may not be enough to keep recruiters coming back. Flat fee sites tend not to draw large volumes of executive level candidates, and aren’t typically as user-friendly as some of the more traditional job boards, according to Shawn Desgrosellier, Chief Leadership Officer at Kay/Bassman International, an executive search and recruitment firm in Plano, Texas.
“You’ve got to invest some time to use sites like Craigslist because the way the site is organized and the way the layout is structured isn’t straightforward,” Desgrosellier says. “If you’ve got a full-time online recruiting team, it can produce some good results but otherwise it’s not the best use of time.”

Avoiding the flood of irrelevant responses. When the Internet was young, the likes of Monster.com turned the way people hunted for jobs – and the way employers hunted for candidates – on its head. The business model was simple: a two-sided network consisting of employers and job seekers. The recruiters pay; the candidates don’t. What’s more, recruiters pay to be part of the network, and also pay to view searchable candidate resumes.
Since Monster pioneered the space, sites like CareerBuilder.com and HotJobs.com have rallied the troops to collectively dominate the online recruitment industry. Variations of the theme have sprung up, including niche job boards like Dice.com and TechCrunch. The advantage of posting a job opening on one of these sites is the abundance of job seekers willing to send their resumes directly to the recruiter. But this blessing can quickly become a curse.
“Many times, the resumes you receive are preloaded resumes from active job seekers. When a certain search criteria is loaded into the system, that resume is automatically sent to you,” Desgrosellier says. “It requires no action on behalf of the job seeker. That can leave you flooded with applicants that may or may not be a suitable match.”

Tapping into a real-time paradigmAn emerging model, and one that has caught media attention for being disruptive, is real-time matching from RealMatch.com. RealMatch offers technology that replaces keyword searching with a profile-matching paradigm that uses proprietary algorithms to match candidates with recruiters.
RealMatch doesn’t charge recruiters or candidates to join the network, and offers real-time search results that grade, filter and rank candidates according to how well their qualifications meet the employer’s requirements. This real-time, non-keyword based approach overcomes the challenge of e-mail boxes that run over storage quotas in the face of hundreds of resume attachments. For employers, RealMatch.com only charges to view the matches. For job seekers, candidates can spend more time updating their resume and less time responding to job listings.
“There are certainly benefits to real-time matching methods since recruiting is about the quality and not the quantity of candidates,” Matuson says. “ Job boards that help you reduce time spent combing through unqualified candidates are certainly a plus!”

A frustration-ending disruptionThe sheer volume of resumes posted online every day make it difficult for employees to stand out in the e-paper crowd and make it equally as difficult for employers to find the right candidate in the electronic haystack. With candidates and recruiters frustrated by the limitations and challenges that earmark the current options, real-time candidate matching seems poised to become the next major online recruiting disruption.