Authors note: unlike other blog entries on this topic, I'm
continuously updating this blog post to give you a progress on my condition
October 5, 2016 I was hit on the head suffering a massive
concussion.
For details see other posts:
October 15, 2016:
I just realized I have not laughed since before my accident.
That must sound strange at first because everyone keeps asking
"what do you mean you have not laughed?" As a matter fact people have
said that to me over and over again however it’s true.
I have not laughed.
It’s not that I haven’t found things funny, on the contrary there seems to be quite a few things that I find funny however I physically can’t laugh.
I have not laughed.
It’s not that I haven’t found things funny, on the contrary there seems to be quite a few things that I find funny however I physically can’t laugh.
Before suffering the accident I had a huge laugh-out-loud
sound.
I love laughing.
I love to have those huge laughs that come from deep inside your belly and you laugh so hard that you even begin to cry. My friends say when I have one of these laughing attacks that "Ev has officially lost it."
I love laughing.
I love to have those huge laughs that come from deep inside your belly and you laugh so hard that you even begin to cry. My friends say when I have one of these laughing attacks that "Ev has officially lost it."
I have not had one of those laughs since September 30. I noticed
that my dad never laughed again after he had a massive brain injury back in the
early 1990s as a result of a robbery. I wonder if that is common with head
injuries?
October 20, 2016:
My doctor gives me various tests during my re-exams.
My doctor gives me various tests during my re-exams.
I still get dizzy and have balance issues, sensitive to light, can’t
look at screens, pain, numbness, and lots of other things.
I’ve been telling my doctor that I haven’t been laughing.
He explained that some of the things that I have experienced will
go away and normal functions will come back. Some will come back part of the
way, and some will come back all the way but it could take a long time, and
some will never come back.
I asked if lack of laughing was one of the things that he has
noticed in all of his treatments of people with brain injuries.
It is common with some brain injuries depending on where and how
much of a blow the brain took.
He says that part of my problem is that since I was hit on the
right side of my brain, which is the side that controls more of the emotions,
that is impacting my ability to laugh. I found out through research and talking
with my doctor that certain sides of the brain control different functions. For
example the left side of our brain is the side that controls logic the right
side is the side that controls feelings and emotions. Some things like math are
done on the left side of the brain. Art, language, music come from the right. They
don’t know exactly where certain things like humor comes from, however they do
know that humor originates in many parts of the brain seemingly at the same
time in a distinct pattern. In experiments involving humor, scientists have figured
out the left side of the brain, the logical side, recognizes what you are
hearing or seeing as funny. That signal then goes around the back of your head
into the back part of the brain and from there enters some central part of the
brain before travelling to the right side of the front of your brain. Picture
the journey of this joke starting on the left side of your brain and rotating
around in a U-shape starting from the left side front of your brain going
around to the back and then coming finally to the right front of your brain.
This is where the actual physical emotional release is triggered and from where
the signal to laugh comes from.
Something that I find incredibly funny does not make me laugh
whatsoever.
It is very disconcerting to me and I am worried about it.
To give you an example, recently the comedian Dave Chapelle was doing a sketch with another comedian from on Saturday Night Live. It was extremely funny! My kind of jokes. My brain recognized it as funny, and I wanted to laugh but could not physically laugh. I couldn’t even smile! My wife is rolling on the floor with hysterical laughter, the hysterical laughter that I normally have in situations like that.
It is very disconcerting to me and I am worried about it.
To give you an example, recently the comedian Dave Chapelle was doing a sketch with another comedian from on Saturday Night Live. It was extremely funny! My kind of jokes. My brain recognized it as funny, and I wanted to laugh but could not physically laugh. I couldn’t even smile! My wife is rolling on the floor with hysterical laughter, the hysterical laughter that I normally have in situations like that.
I miss my ability to laugh very much. I hope it comes back on
soon.
November 10, 2016:
Since my injury happened on the right side of my head, the doctor
says that my emotions are impaired.
That is why I cannot laugh.
It is also why I am suffering some mood swings.
My personality has changed from being someone who was 100%
optimistic all the time to someone that, while not quite 100% pessimistic all
the time, it takes a big effort for me to be seeing things in a positive light.
My wife says it’s the result of the most recent presidential elections. I
recognize the intended humor in her statement, but I don’t think that’s the
case.
December 1, 2016:
I still have not laughed, however I have smiled a bit when people
tell me jokes.
At Thanksgiving there were several family stories that were funny.
I was able to smile but not laugh. That gives me some hope but I really hope
that my ability to laugh comes back.
December 25, 2016:
I’m celebrating Christmas with my family on the West Coast. It was
the first time that I have seen and been to their house, and is the first time
that I have celebrated Christmas with this part of the family in this part of
the country.
We always have a great time at Christmas and my family does a
fantastic job of putting out great meals and having a fun tradition. Funny
stories are passed along about the past events of our family, remembrances our
shared about our parents, as well as topics of the day and just enjoying each
other‘s company.
It was a lot of fun however I still am not able to laugh.
Smile at something funny yes, laughing no.
Not laughing is really starting to worry me.
January 6, 2017:
We had a family dinner celebrating a late Christmas with the
family here in the Midwest. I was explaining my recent injury as well as the
treatment that I have been receiving and the testing of the cognitive abilities
that I have been doing.
I’m trying to explain to everyone the changes in my personality
and the fact that I can’t laugh. People have a really hard time understanding
what I mean when I say I can’t laugh. As I tried to explain, they were interjecting
their little comments in my stories as they always do. Normally I would find
them quite funny and be able to banter back with them. They still were funny in
this case, however I was able to laugh, a smile here or there yes but that’s it.
It was very frustrating for me that I could not partake in the joyful banter.
Trying to explain to people who can laugh from someone who cannot
laugh is extremely difficult. People don’t understand when you say that you
can’t laugh.
I physically cannot laugh.
Has nothing to do with whether I find something funny or not.
Doesn’t matter. While the left side of my brain may think something is funny
and understands that it is funny, the right side is not allowing me to release
that emotion and actually have the physical nature of laughing. I really miss
laughing.
March
1, 2017:
I’ve been released from the direct care of the attending
Doctor who has been seeing me since my initial accident. I have told him
that I am still not laughing, and he
explained that somethings may never come back. I will know around a year after the incident what will come back. Certain things will
and certain things will not, but after a year we will have a good idea
he said. A slight forced chuckle is the only
kind of laugh I can do at this point. I am beyond worried that I will
never be able to enjoy a deep good long belly laugh like I have been
able to in the past. As my friends used to say when I had those laughing attacks “Ev has lost it." I
hope to be able to lose it again.
April
15, 2017:
A small laugh! Not the belly laugh that I was hoping for. This was the first time that I actually was able to give a quick laugh.
It was a little more than just a "ha ha" but it was something and not forced.
June
30, 2017:
It has been I’ve noticed that things are getting slightly
better in that I am able to give a short small laugh when I find
something funny. If I hear a joke or see something
in a movie or on TV that I think is funny, I’m able to give a quick "ha
ha," but anything beyond that initial chuckle is still forced. I hope this is progress
because I really miss not being able to laugh.
July
28, 2017:
Still no belly laugh. I hate that term but it is the most
common way but I think I can describe the kind of laugh I am talking
about.
September
10, 2017:
I was talking with some of my friends, one of them made a joke.
Unfortunately I cannot repeat the joke here, because part of it involves
the context of what it was
said, but I had an actual laugh! Instead of just ha ha, it was ha ha
Ha.
September
30, 2017:
Since that laugh that I had that I wrote about in the last update to this article,
I haven’t had any laughs. Bummer.
Since that laugh that I had that I wrote about in the last update to this article,
I haven’t had any laughs. Bummer.
October
9, 2017:
I laughed! For two seconds I actually had the deep laugh that I have been looking for! I was sitting in the crowd at a performance of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. John Cleese came out to do a question and answer session after the movie. As part of his monologue he talked about how we make fun of each other through jokes and that if we lose the ability to laugh at ourselves and each other we is the human race are going to be in trouble. He started telling a lot of ethnic jokes about all different nationalities and people were laughing, except me.
I laughed! For two seconds I actually had the deep laugh that I have been looking for! I was sitting in the crowd at a performance of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. John Cleese came out to do a question and answer session after the movie. As part of his monologue he talked about how we make fun of each other through jokes and that if we lose the ability to laugh at ourselves and each other we is the human race are going to be in trouble. He started telling a lot of ethnic jokes about all different nationalities and people were laughing, except me.
He
then told a joke about Belgian drivers. I didn't understand the joke and I’m not sure why
it was funny, but I found myself laughing with the very deep down laugh I have missed for over a year! It was only two seconds, but it was such a relief!
I hope this is a
good sign that more coming!
October 23, 2017:
It has been two weeks since I had my laugh. As short as it was it was like something popped a cork on a champaign bottle and everything came out. The worry and consternation about not laughing has been gone for these past few days. It really is like having a weight off my shoulders. While I haven't laughed since, for a couple of days I felt "normal." I can feel a sense of worry (Is that the last laugh I'll have) or anticipation (when will I laugh again) building again but it was so nice to finally have that release even it was for only a couple of seconds.
It has been two weeks since I had my laugh. As short as it was it was like something popped a cork on a champaign bottle and everything came out. The worry and consternation about not laughing has been gone for these past few days. It really is like having a weight off my shoulders. While I haven't laughed since, for a couple of days I felt "normal." I can feel a sense of worry (Is that the last laugh I'll have) or anticipation (when will I laugh again) building again but it was so nice to finally have that release even it was for only a couple of seconds.
November 24, 2017:
I laughed again! We rented "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" for a family movie night. Even though I have seen the movie tons of times, I got several chuckles from seeing my family enjoy it for the first time. I've seen and quoted the "ball handling" snippet several times and I knew when it was coming in the film, for whatever reason it made me laugh hysterically for a few seconds. For the second time I felt the weight off my shoulders.
January 20, 2018
I haven't had any more laughing since November, but tonight I had an uncontrolled laughing fit again for a couple of seconds. My wife said something serious, it doesn't matter what it was. I responded "Since when?" After that I just had the urge to laugh. While she and I were trying to figure out what was funny I had my uncontrolled laugh for a couple of seconds again. The moment shot a lot of levity into our conversation. Don't know what was funny but I'll take it!
March 18, 2018
Nothing since January.
June 26, 2018
Just cruising around Youtube I stumbled on a new video by comedian Bill Engvall.
I've always enjoyed his comedy so I watched. I had several smiles and forced chuckles. He ended with a continuation of his signature "Here's your sign" routine and I got my longest uncontrolled laughing fit! Probably 30 seconds!
October 5, 2018
It has been two years since my concussion. I'm still sufferening several side effects. I've documented the lack of laughing because it to me is the most notable outside sign. People say to me "I've seen you laugh and chuckle at things." Yes that is true that I'm smiling at funny things and having forced chuckles at jokes, but these are things that I used to LAUGH at and sometimes have the uncontrolled deep in your tummy type laughs. I don't have those anymore and I worry that I'll never get that back. When laughing is such a big part of your life and you can't do that anymore it is extremely sad and frustrating.
In addition to not laughing, over the summer I saw an endocrinologist and it is her opinion that my concussion messed up the pituitary gland and that gland is not sending the right hormones and signals to my thyroid. Causing an imbalance in a number of hormone levels, brain fog, tiredness, and inability to handle hot weather (never a problem before but this summer was horrible). I still see red when I close my eyes (described in another entry), I still have those days when I can't process anything and need to lie down in a dark room. My personality isn't the same. Instead of being a upbeat person naturally, now to be an upbeat person it is forced. Hard to describe in words here. I'll try again later. It sucks that I'm still dealing with this stuff two years later.
November 17, 2018
No laughing fits since June. I enjoy watching my wife have a serious laughing fit at something. There is a bit of jealousy there too that she can laugh like that and I can't.
December 28, 2018
Getting ready to go to a late Christmas celebration with my in-laws, I recounted for my wife the time that my mother-in-law caused an uprising at a previous Christmas celebration. I did it in a reporter voice and style that had me cracking up!
This is the first time I've been able to laugh by something I did or said and not an external factor like a comedian.
April 21, 2019
Riding in the car coming home from an Easter celebration at my mother-in-laws house, my teenage son takes off his shoes and the stench in the car was funny. I don't know why but it was the longest sustained laugh I've had in the last two years. Yet again it was an organic laugh brought about by the situation. I'm happy about it! I'm not sure if I should be concerned that my last two laughs somehow involved my mother-in-law.
I laughed again! We rented "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" for a family movie night. Even though I have seen the movie tons of times, I got several chuckles from seeing my family enjoy it for the first time. I've seen and quoted the "ball handling" snippet several times and I knew when it was coming in the film, for whatever reason it made me laugh hysterically for a few seconds. For the second time I felt the weight off my shoulders.
January 20, 2018
I haven't had any more laughing since November, but tonight I had an uncontrolled laughing fit again for a couple of seconds. My wife said something serious, it doesn't matter what it was. I responded "Since when?" After that I just had the urge to laugh. While she and I were trying to figure out what was funny I had my uncontrolled laugh for a couple of seconds again. The moment shot a lot of levity into our conversation. Don't know what was funny but I'll take it!
March 18, 2018
Nothing since January.
June 26, 2018
Just cruising around Youtube I stumbled on a new video by comedian Bill Engvall.
I've always enjoyed his comedy so I watched. I had several smiles and forced chuckles. He ended with a continuation of his signature "Here's your sign" routine and I got my longest uncontrolled laughing fit! Probably 30 seconds!
October 5, 2018
It has been two years since my concussion. I'm still sufferening several side effects. I've documented the lack of laughing because it to me is the most notable outside sign. People say to me "I've seen you laugh and chuckle at things." Yes that is true that I'm smiling at funny things and having forced chuckles at jokes, but these are things that I used to LAUGH at and sometimes have the uncontrolled deep in your tummy type laughs. I don't have those anymore and I worry that I'll never get that back. When laughing is such a big part of your life and you can't do that anymore it is extremely sad and frustrating.
In addition to not laughing, over the summer I saw an endocrinologist and it is her opinion that my concussion messed up the pituitary gland and that gland is not sending the right hormones and signals to my thyroid. Causing an imbalance in a number of hormone levels, brain fog, tiredness, and inability to handle hot weather (never a problem before but this summer was horrible). I still see red when I close my eyes (described in another entry), I still have those days when I can't process anything and need to lie down in a dark room. My personality isn't the same. Instead of being a upbeat person naturally, now to be an upbeat person it is forced. Hard to describe in words here. I'll try again later. It sucks that I'm still dealing with this stuff two years later.
November 17, 2018
No laughing fits since June. I enjoy watching my wife have a serious laughing fit at something. There is a bit of jealousy there too that she can laugh like that and I can't.
December 28, 2018
Getting ready to go to a late Christmas celebration with my in-laws, I recounted for my wife the time that my mother-in-law caused an uprising at a previous Christmas celebration. I did it in a reporter voice and style that had me cracking up!
This is the first time I've been able to laugh by something I did or said and not an external factor like a comedian.
April 21, 2019
Riding in the car coming home from an Easter celebration at my mother-in-laws house, my teenage son takes off his shoes and the stench in the car was funny. I don't know why but it was the longest sustained laugh I've had in the last two years. Yet again it was an organic laugh brought about by the situation. I'm happy about it! I'm not sure if I should be concerned that my last two laughs somehow involved my mother-in-law.
September 4, 2019
No sustained belly laughs until today! At dinner my son made a choking sound that reminded someone of a cat spitting up a hairball. Laughs ensued for the next 10 minutes!
No sustained belly laughs until today! At dinner my son made a choking sound that reminded someone of a cat spitting up a hairball. Laughs ensued for the next 10 minutes!
October 5, 2019
Three years since the concussion. No laughs since the previous entry.
Three years since the concussion. No laughs since the previous entry.
October 5, 2020
Four years since the concussion.
November 24, 2020
In a Zoom call my sister made a funny joke about pictures on a camera phone and I fell out of my chair laughing. Easily the first laugh in several weeks.
In a Zoom call my sister made a funny joke about pictures on a camera phone and I fell out of my chair laughing. Easily the first laugh in several weeks.
December, 21, 2020
One year ago I was going through cancer radiation treatment.
Since sometime in June laughs have been coming a little easier and more frequent, but still long stretches in between. Just to explain again what I'm talking about. I don't mean a little chuckle or a simple ha ha. I am referring to a physical block in my brain that thinks something is funny but short circuts when I want to physically laugh. That uncontrolled laugh that makes you cry, have trouble breathing, roll on the floor. I miss it.
Since sometime in June laughs have been coming a little easier and more frequent, but still long stretches in between. Just to explain again what I'm talking about. I don't mean a little chuckle or a simple ha ha. I am referring to a physical block in my brain that thinks something is funny but short circuts when I want to physically laugh. That uncontrolled laugh that makes you cry, have trouble breathing, roll on the floor. I miss it.
February, 11, 2022
It has been a long time since I updated this column. I still don't laugh as often as I used to, however it seems like once a quarter I have a good long laugh. I still miss laughing.
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