Concussion: Mental Effects

In this series of articles I've been explaining what it is like to have a concussion.
 
The physical effects of a concussion are easy to see, and to see the progres as they heal.
I could see my cut healing and can see the scar fading.
After a month you could barley see the scar, unless you knew where to look.
The initial pain of the head impact wears off, and the localized pain and numbness goes away or becomes less.
The mental effects are a lot more subtle and longer lasting.
Sometimes they sneak up on you like a bear grabbing a salmon in a river.

Vertigo is probably the biggest issue. Several months after the accident I was standing on a floor at work next to a table. The floor was sloping downward to one side because of the building settling. Normally your body senses that and you adjust to it.
That recognition for me is more pronounced with every change in the slope of a surface compared to before my concussion, and makes me stumble or couch my steps somewhat.
From sidewalks to driveways, if the surface goes up or down even slightly I notice it and that change in angle throws my balance off and makes me dizzy or stumble.
After several minutes of working at this table, I realized I was drastically leaning to one side to compensate for the floor slope! I was leaning over so much someone else in the store asked why I was leaning to one side! Any situation that involves something other than having my feet planted on a smooth level surface gives me a sense of vertigo to one degree or another. Most of the time I work through these moments figuring it is a chance for my brain to relearn how to act in these situations, however if there are other times like on a ladder or roof that I feel vertigo coming on I get down fast rather than risk falling. Going up ladders is fine, however a quick look down even without moving my head brings vertigo on.

Fast moving things going to the left or right also bring on vertigo. I was walking on a beach as the tide came in. As the waves flowed back into the ocean I started stumbling to the right towards the ocean! My brain wasn't processing that it was the water moving and not the land. While fishing I looked down to the water near my feet where some rings were flowing outward from where a fish jumped, and it felt like I was going to fall in even though I was perfectly upright. Movies with fast zoom in and zoom out scenes bring vertigo on too. The opening scenes of the movie "Sing" where the characters are introduced singing in their homes and it zooms from one house to another makes me dizzy. The famous scene in "Star Wars" where the X-wing fighter zooms into the Death Star trench and you see the gun turret shooting through the cockpit of the fighter really makes me feel woozy.

I have a short temper.
I used to have a lot of patience and the ability to be calm at all times. Don't even come close to being on my bad side now. Bears being poked with sticks don't explode with anger as quick as I do. The bad part is I don't feel the anger building in order to control it. It is like a light switch, either on or off. If you need to tell me something bad you did, you never know what version of my temper you'll be getting.  I can't look at computer screens or phone screens very long without a blue filter.

I can't laugh. Science has found that humor starts in the left side or our frontal lobe. That side is the logical side and thinks through the joke to see if it is funny. The humor then moves all around and ends at the right side of the frontal lobe and it is that side that makes you physically laugh. I've always been able to have deep, long lasting, laughing fits. My friends refer to me as "losing it" when those laughing fits start. I haven't had one of those since September 2016. My accident was in the first week of October. For the first three months after I could not laugh at all. I would see something that was clearly funny and my type of humor. My brain would tell me it was funny. I swear I could feel the humor energy impulse inside my brain move all around from the left to the right and then just stop.
Nothing could make me laugh. At most I could just give a quick smile. Later it went to a a quick "ha." Now I can smirk and give a quick laugh, but nothing like what I used to do.
It worries me because it has now been ten months and any laughing I do feels forced and not natural. The very first "ha" that comes out seems more natural than last month, however any laughing after that is forced. No one understands this result, but I would pay a bunch of money for a couple of good belly laughs like I used to have!

When I try and say something funny, it often comes out extremely sarcastic or mean sounding even though I didn't mean it to sound that way.
I don't know if this is correct, but I feel it is related to me not being able to laugh. I'll say a "zinger"  and the humor portion of my brain doesn't put the correct accent/spin/emphasis on it to be recognized as humorous by others. Meanwhile I stand there with a grin on my face thinking what I was saying was funny (because the analytical side of my brain put the statement together and KNOWS it will be funny), and other people pick up the statement as being mean spirited by a mean guy who is enjoying his meanness because he is standing there grinning.

My smile is not the same as it used to be, I notice it in recent pictures.
When I try to smile it feels like I can't, as if I don't remember how.
Some may look at the pictures below and not notice, however as a photographer my whole life I've seen my smile thousands of times. Look at the shape of the smile, but mostly look at the eyes. There is no spark, or what portrait photographers call "catch lights." The lines around the mouth and face are tense. The first picture is from May 2016, the second is from February 2017, six months after the accident.

Things don't always taste the same as I used to think or remember that they taste like.
Since I don't use a lot of spices and flavorings in my cooking, my food at home seems the same, however going to restaurants that have a signature spice is when I notice it the most.
Outback Steak House is one example where the seasoning they use on their meats doesn't taste the same. Less of a spice and now more of a salt. Denny's seasoned fries also taste funny. Kind of an Oreo taste rather than a salty spice taste.
This could also be because of the restaurant changing flavors so I'm not too worried about it at this time, but something isn't always right so I need to add it to the list.

I still have an urge to sometimes see the scar.
I think this is because by looking at the scar it given me a sense that I am healing.
I get frustrated because I know things are not the same with me as they used to be, but I can't change it.

More about this later.

Ev
A Heck of a Nice Guy...with some marbles out of round